I never thought I would be thinking what I’m about to write let alone writing it down. I hope this post never gets published because it means a miracle happened. In my heart I know I will be posting this. I will need to.
I feel totally and utterly heartbroken as I lay here, I was numb yesterday and shocked. This time on Thursday I was 10 weeks pregnant, excited/nervous and everything that goes with being pregnant. So many people knew and know. The wonders of telling your 4 year old (we had our reasons…) we also had a scan when I was 6 weeks pregnant and everything looked perfect and we could see a heart beating.
We wanted to go to another scan for reassurance as I wasn’t feeling pregnant, not sick like I was with Jake. If it wasn’t for my boobs and the amount of food I wouldn’t of known I was pregnant. With this came a little paranoia so we went for a scan on Saturday. Where we went they were amazing, friendly and welcoming. Luckily I have known them as they’re friends of my brother, however, nothing could of prepared us.
I laid on the table and the jelly went on, and then nothing on the screen… searching and searching and nothing. No sign of bubs or a heartbeat. They eventually found what looked like a baby just couldn’t be for sure and wasn’t what it should look like at 10 weeks on ultrasound. Should of been clearer. James as ever was incredible, he held my hand and didn’t let go.
I came away… not sure what to do or think. I went to Boots and got a pregnancy test that came back positive. I called out of hours and they told me to call the GP Monday. It’s Sunday now, I feel sick, anxious and scared. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, I can’t even guess. I hope we will get to hospital for a scan and everything will be ok. I’m not sure that will be the case though.
Today is Friday, I have wondered whether I should continue this post, been sat in my draft box. I feel I need to, this is my space for me to write what I want and need to say.
Well Monday came, and the doctor was so lovely, she booked us in for a scan on Tuesday. Hands down Tuesday was the worst day of my entire life. The worst. I am sure of James’ too. They confirmed exactly what we knew and I was given some options. I chose the medication option and in hindsight I wish I went away and thought about it. I wanted it over, and little did I know how far from over it was. They gave me the medication and a leaflet about what to expect and let me go home. The hospital were so amazing, really can’t fault them.
The rest of Tuesday was…. well… I will spare the details. I am so lucky to have the family and friends that support me.
Wednesday was a hard day physically, not as hard as Tuesday but I felt very weak and faint. It is hard to see your loved ones upset by something that happened in your body, the feeling of guilt is overwhelming no matter how many times someone says it wasn’t my fault.
I know this will take time to not only heal physically but mentally too. It’s heartbreaking and I have been told a lot… ALOT… it wasn’t meant to be, everything happens for a reason, I’m lucky I wasn’t further on… blah blah blah. I know all this but it doesn’t change how I feel… Soz.
Just wanted to say an extra thank you to my husband who has stood next to me holding my hand, cried with me, got me so many drinks and dealt with so much these last couple of days. Without him I would have been such a mess, my mum and dad, all my friends and people that sent messages… but Debra and Tania (and a couple of other friends who I won’t name) who sent me flowers, the lovely Archie Girls who sent so many lovely messages. It means so much. So thank you I love you all.
I’m sorry this wasn’t the happiest of posts but I want to be back to normal as soon as possible and feel for me to move on I needed to get this written down ♥️ Jacob has of course been none the wiser, we told him the magic tablet we asked for from the moon… he forgot to put magic in… so now Jake wants a kitten haha. My boy has kept me up, and I have tried to be as normal as possible for him.