A Sad Day.. 

I never thought I would be thinking what I’m about to write let alone writing it down. I hope this post never gets published because it means a miracle happened. In my heart I know I will be posting this. I will need to.

I feel totally and utterly heartbroken as I lay here, I was numb yesterday and shocked. This time on Thursday I was 10 weeks pregnant, excited/nervous and everything that goes with being pregnant. So many people knew and know. The wonders of telling your 4 year old (we had our reasons…) we also had a scan when I was 6 weeks pregnant and everything looked perfect and we could see a heart beating.

We wanted to go to another scan for reassurance as I wasn’t feeling pregnant, not sick like I was with Jake. If it wasn’t for my boobs and the amount of food I wouldn’t of known I was pregnant. With this came a little paranoia so we went for a scan on Saturday. Where we went they were amazing, friendly and welcoming. Luckily I have known them as they’re friends of my brother, however, nothing could of prepared us.

I laid on the table and the jelly went on, and then nothing on the screen… searching and searching and nothing. No sign of bubs or a heartbeat. They eventually found what looked like a baby just couldn’t be for sure and wasn’t what it should look like at 10 weeks on ultrasound. Should of been clearer. James as ever was incredible, he held my hand and didn’t let go.

I came away… not sure what to do or think. I went to Boots and got a pregnancy test that came back positive. I called out of hours and they told me to call the GP Monday. It’s Sunday now, I feel sick, anxious and scared. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, I can’t even guess. I hope we will get to hospital for a scan and everything will be ok. I’m not sure that will be the case though.

————————————————————

Today is Friday, I have wondered whether I should continue this post, been sat in my draft box. I feel I need to, this is my space for me to write what I want and need to say.

Well Monday came, and the doctor was so lovely, she booked us in for a scan on Tuesday. Hands down Tuesday was the worst day of my entire life. The worst. I am sure of James’ too. They confirmed exactly what we knew and I was given some options. I chose the medication option and in hindsight I wish I went away and thought about it. I wanted it over, and little did I know how far from over it was. They gave me the medication and a leaflet about what to expect and let me go home. The hospital were so amazing, really can’t fault them.

The rest of Tuesday was…. well… I will spare the details. I am so lucky to have the family and friends that support me.

Wednesday was a hard day physically, not as hard as Tuesday but I felt very weak and faint. It is hard to see your loved ones upset by something that happened in your body, the feeling of guilt is overwhelming no matter how many times someone says it wasn’t my fault.

I know this will take time to not only heal physically but mentally too. It’s heartbreaking and I have been told a lot… ALOT… it wasn’t meant to be, everything happens for a reason, I’m lucky I wasn’t further on… blah blah blah. I know all this but it doesn’t change how I feel… Soz.

Just wanted to say an extra thank you to my  husband who has stood next to me holding my hand, cried with me, got me so many drinks and dealt with so much these last couple of days. Without him I would have been such a mess, my mum and dad, all my friends and people that sent messages… but Debra and Tania (and a couple of other friends who I won’t name) who sent me flowers, the lovely Archie Girls who sent so many lovely messages. It means so much. So thank you I love you all.

I’m sorry this wasn’t the happiest of posts but I want to be back to normal as soon as possible and feel for me to move on I needed to get this written down ♥️ Jacob has of course been none the wiser, we told him the magic tablet we asked for from the moon… he forgot to put magic in… so now Jake wants a kitten haha. My boy has kept me up, and I have tried to be as normal as possible for him.

XOXO

16 thoughts on “A Sad Day.. 

  1. Your poor, poor love. This is truly heartbreaking to read. I also lost a baby, a little earlier than you at 8 weeks. This was following IVF so, for me all the more difficult to cope with as I knew I wouldn’t be able to just try again quickly. We tried 2 more unsuccessful ivf cycles. It wasn’t until 7 long years later of yearning for a child I fell pregnant naturally with a new partner. I only have one precious daughter who is now 12. Nowadays the emotional struggle is coping with her growing up and not ‘needing’ me like she did.

    I wish you all the luck in the world, it’s a very sad time but you can get through it girl!

    Sam xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow Sam I am so sorry you went through all the heartache, I am so happy you fell pregnant naturally and have a beautiful daughter.
      We struggled to get pregnant with our son, luckily it eventually happened so we felt very lucky to get pregnant again. We are so grateful for everything.
      Sending you lots of love.
      My son is 4 and I’m struggling with his independence… I dread to think of it at 12 haha. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I just cried reading this my heart aches for you guys but I know you’ll make it through this nightmare life can be so cruel!

    Your welcome!
    I’m glad they put a smile on your face. We’re all here for you.

    Love you

    xxxxxxxxx

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  3. I’m so so sorry that you are going through this. My heart breaks for all of you. I hope that through the support of family and friends you get through this tough time – it sounds like you have wonderful people around you.
    I wish you so much happiness x

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  4. Oh Lucy, I’m so so sorry to hear this news, I can’t imagine the heartbreak you must be going through! I am incredibly glad that you’ve had such supportive friends and family around you though, I’m sure that nothing is making you feel fully ok at the moment but that their love and support does mean a lot! Sending all the hugs!

    Abbey ❤️ http://www.abbeylouisarose.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lucy.

    I am so so sorry that this has happend to you and your family, especially when you’ve just got married and are on such a happy part of your life. I hope the you and your very supportive family get through this with the hope to try again one day. Thinking of you, Emma xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh Lu I am so so sorry to read this and feel heartbroken for you 😢 I haven’t been through it myself but I can only imagine the heartache you are all going through, sending you a very very big hug and lots of love ❤️ Xxxxx

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  7. To my friend since high school, we’ve gone through so much together I’m sorry I wasn’t able to give you my support and hugs in person this time 😢 you’re so strong I know that you will be ok, loosing a baby never goes away but it does get easier. You have amazing support and one day you will add to you’re family, I pray for you everyday. Love you Lucy locket 😘😘❤❤👼

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