This is something I have wanted to write for awhile now, but before I get into my huge post that no one will read and is purely really just for me to get some word vomit out, I feel like I do need to just pay attention to the fact I haven’t posted since February (I am sure no one has noticed though haha) and I will explain why…
Middle of Feb I just didn’t want to write, just lost the love for it. I then took the decision end of March to step back from all social media, dip in as and when and leave group chats on Whats App. Nothing personal to anyone as I love all the girls I was in a group chat with but I really felt like stepping back is what I should do and the time I was spending on social media whilst Jacob was at school I should be productive… get OUT and see my friends in real life than on a screen….go for that coffee (you know the one that everyone says we should all do but never do….) and most importantly chat in bed in the evenings instead of having my back to James on my phone. To be fair I still go on my phone in bed when the football is on, as I am loving Best Fiends… but I have been reading SO much more. It was helping with my sleep too.
So, the purpose of the title… someone very close to me mentioned awhile a go that the sparkle in my eyes had gone, I am not myself, I need to remember I am a person outside of being a mum…and I have changed….
Well.. I have changed, I am a mum, I am not that selfish 20 something going out getting drunk and dancing on bars…. and I will be honest, when I look back on photos I do have a sparkle in my eyes. Things were VERY different then. Some people (even those close to me) forget that not only did I become a parent 5 years ago and was the start of the most amazing part of my life, it was also the start of a condition that has been constant since. If you are not new around here, you will be aware of the coccyx condition I have and I try and make light of it and say it could be worse (which I 100% stick by as it could be a billion times worse) however, being in pain every single day takes its toll some days and it has also given me the evil anxiety that makes me overthink just about everything, which I do have under control majority of the time with the help of meditation (Headspace app is amazing FYI) and an excellent support network.
This is not to say I am not positive as I am positive most days especially as I have amazing family and some incredible friends supporting me but those rare days it digs its heels in, I cry a lot, normally when I am on my own as I refuse to let it affect everything, my son being number one… Jacob knows I have a bad ‘back’ but I will never let on just how bad it is, as it will never stop me being the mum I want to be, and it can go to hell if it thinks it will stop me going to the cinema with my boy… even if I am then in more pain for 3 or 4 days after.
But you know… despite the attempts of positivity I guess the lack of sparkle in my eye is a symptom of what I live with and in a way I did know before it was said that it was the case but to hear someone that loves you say it out loud.. well… it stung… and they didn’t mean it in a horrible way they just want whats best for me, and I love them dearly for it as I know if it was the other way around I would have said the same and it has certainly given me the kick up the arse (sorry couldn’t help myself there) to push doing more things that I know help the pain, so it definitely had the desired effect haha.
That sums up what was on my mind and I am hoping after reading and posting this I will get the bug for writing again as I love blogging and everything that goes with it 🙂
Hope you’re are all good and a massive well done if you’re reading this far down! XO